Relationship Humor

• After divorce, men realize that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with an astounding financial loss.
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• Alimony: bounty after the mutiny.
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• Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
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• Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull before.
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• The difference between a circus and a singles bar is - at the circus, the clowns don't try to talk to you.

• Divorce: The past tense of marriage.
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• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
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  Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
  Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
• Do you know why women don't blink during foreplay?
  They don't have time.
• Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
• Don't marry for money; it's cheaper to borrow it.
• Don't think that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost - she may have got him.
• First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
  Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
• Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade.
• The happiest time of anyone's life is just after the first divorce.
  
• He said: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
  She said: You wear pants don't you?

He said, "Since I first met you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly."
She said, "Well, you succeeded."

• Him: "What do you think of this talk of scientists crossing a man with a pig?"
  Her: "They're a little late!"
• Q. How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
  A. One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
• I divorced my husband for religious reasons. He thought he was God...I didn't!
• I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving!
• If you want to end relationships just say, "I want to marry you so we can live together forever." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
  
• I'm happily married - but my wife isn't.
• It's like magic. When you live by yourself, all your annoying habits are gone!
• I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
• I know how to push all my wife's buttons...now if I could only find the one marked OFF!
• I love you more today than yesterday -
  yesterday you really got on my nerves!
• I never even believed in divorce until after I got married.
• I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
  
• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
• I'd like to live life in the fast lane but I'm married to a speed bump.
• I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
• If Mama ain't happy, nobody's happy; If Daddy ain't happy, who cares.
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If you made a list of the reasons why any couple got married and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a lot of overlapping!
• If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
• Insanity: grounds for divorce in some states, grounds for marriage in all.
• It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. (Benjamin Disraeli)
• It is better to have loved and lost than to have loved and married.
• It isn't whether you win or lose; but how you place the blame.
• It's called foreplay because it's supposed to last at least four minutes! (Denny)
• I've been married so long that I almost feel like I was born in captivity.
• I've had fun before...this isn't it.
• Just how many toads do I have to kiss?
• Let us give some thought to the Pilgrim mothers, for they not only had to endure every thing the Pilgrim fathers endured, but also had to endure the Pilgrim fathers.
• Living with a saint is more grueling than being one. (Robert Neville)
• Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else. (George Bernard Shaw)
• Marriage counselor to clients: "I don't often say this to my counseling clients, but it has become clear to me that the two of you should NOT be married...to ANYONE...EVER!"
• Marriage has made me what I am today - happily divorced!
• Marriage is a major commitment, and is best contemplated by those who should be committed.
• I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
• Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
• Men are like copy machines - about the only thing they're good for is reproduction.
• Men are like mascara - they run at the first sign of emotion.
• My greatest fear is there is no such thing as PMS and this is my wife's real personality.
• My husband said if I went shopping again, he'd leave me. WHY didn't somebody tell me it was that easy!?!
• My next husband will be normal.
• My next husband will be normal - one weird person in a marriage is enough!
• My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
• Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. (Dave Barry)
• Never date a woman whose father calls her 'Princess.' Chances are she believes it.
• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)
• Next to the wound, what women make best is the bandage. (Barbey D'Aurevilly)
• Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's just too much fraternizing with the enemy. (Henry A. Kisinger)
• Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. (Charlie Brown)
• One woman to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
  Other woman, "Yes, I married the wrong man..."
• Post-Divorce greeting card - Front: "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...", Inside: "...that you're not here to ruin things for me."
• Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
• Sadly, all men are created equal.
• A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• She's waiting for the right man to come along, but in the meantime she's keeping in practice with the wrong ones.
• Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
• The prominent pillar of the community was reading his morning paper in the den and called out to his wife, "Elizabeth, did you read the gossip column today? Absolutely ridiculous! It says you left me. Elizabeth? Elizabeth???"
• Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
• Take an interest in your husband's hobbies; hire a private detective.
• Take your troubles like a man; blame them on a woman.
• Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."
• The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
• Very few trial separations don't work.
• Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.
• We both have the same problem...you!
• We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him. (Shelley Winters)
• What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
• What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
• When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
• Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. (Ben Franklin)
• When you see what some girls marry, you realize how much they must hate to work for a living.
• Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? Rita (Rudner)
• Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
  Because they are tired of using their own.
• A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.
• A woman ran into her house and shouted, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery."
  "That's great!" he replied. "Should I pack for the ocean or for the mountains?"
  "I don't care," she said. "Just get the hell out.
• Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
• A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. (Sharon Stone)
• Women were born without a sense of humor, so they could love men and not laugh at them.
• Woman to couple at a party: "So what have you been doing with yourselves now that the kids are in college?"
  Wife: "Well, we did find we had a lot more time on our hands."
  Husband: "So we've been spending all of it on our divorce."
• You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
• You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
• You have to kiss a lot of toads to find your handsome prince.
• You were meant for me, perhaps as a punishment.